Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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