Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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