The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
