I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
