that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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