My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
