Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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