this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
