at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
