If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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