cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize