What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
