I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
