I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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