He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
