Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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