Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
