I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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