Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
