so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
