Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
