I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
