Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
