i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
