we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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