I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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