i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
