I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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