hotel room ftw
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
