I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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