Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
