He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
