You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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