Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
