Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
