Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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