you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
