that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize