so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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