you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
