I think I died a long time ago.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize