she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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