oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
