Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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