dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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