I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize