Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize