Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
