me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
