I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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