I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
