The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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