its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize