I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize