Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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