I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
