Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
