my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
