in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
