Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
