My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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