Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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