What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
