you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
