I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
