I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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