It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize