I just saw a hot homeless man
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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