Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
