'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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