Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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