I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
