i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
