dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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