Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
