Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
