Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize